My daughter (she's 4) and I had a significant milestone yesterday and I'd like to share the little story. Sorry for the length, but i couldn't put it any other way.
We were at a children's clothing store and it was that part of the evening when kids start to get restless. I prepped her for the 'shop visit', telling her that we were only going in to buy 'x' thing and nothing more. She agreed.
I didn't, however, account for the dominant 'shopping' gene I'd passed on to her. As soon as she entered the store, she found a pretty pair of shoes she wanted, tried them on, pranced around in them and excitedly told me that she simply had to have them. In my best 'mommy-means-business' tone, i told her that while the shoes were very pretty, we couldn't buy them. She then wanted a bouncy pogo ball and then something else. I countered them all with a polite but firm 'not today.'
And then started the tantrum - which went on all the way for the next 2 hours, i lost my temper, she cried louder and we had a very adolescent-parent-like stand off for the remainder of the evening. Butt the incident was soon forgotten over our late evening walk and dinner time.
Now comes the good part.
It's bedtime. I'm tucking her in and thats the time we forget everything else thats happened in the day and cuddle, sing soft songs and tell each other how much we love one another. In her tiny voice and with a pensive expression, she says 'mamma, you know, i was feeling quite tired this evening, which is why i cried in that store. I didn't really want those shoes. I was just tired and wanted to go home and didn't know how to tell you. Why did you scream at me?'
Silence. Did my daughter just reflect on her behaviour and have the insight to tell me what was really going on for her?
It was a moment of immense connection. I held her tiny face in my hands and said, 'I'm so sorry i didn't realise you were tired, i didn't know how to deal with your tantrum and just wanted you to stop crying. I promise to do better next time and understand you. I'm learning to do things too, along with you.'
'That's ok mamma, we'll do it differently tomorrow.'
So, mums, i know there are a bunch of lessons for me here... I'm glad she can articulate what she's feeling, I'm glad she is such a sensitive, insightful little girl. Im glad she forgave me and we could start over new this morning. I'm ashamed by how my anger affects her and i will always remember the hurt i caused her. I'm glad she felt she could talk to me and unburden before she drifted off to sleep. i'm glad to know that its never too late to do things differently with my child. I'm glad our connection is 'real' (yes there is anger, frustration and all those things mammas are perhaps not supposed to be), and there is space to be all those things too.
I'm glad for the moments we grow as mother and daughter each day.
We were at a children's clothing store and it was that part of the evening when kids start to get restless. I prepped her for the 'shop visit', telling her that we were only going in to buy 'x' thing and nothing more. She agreed.
I didn't, however, account for the dominant 'shopping' gene I'd passed on to her. As soon as she entered the store, she found a pretty pair of shoes she wanted, tried them on, pranced around in them and excitedly told me that she simply had to have them. In my best 'mommy-means-business' tone, i told her that while the shoes were very pretty, we couldn't buy them. She then wanted a bouncy pogo ball and then something else. I countered them all with a polite but firm 'not today.'
And then started the tantrum - which went on all the way for the next 2 hours, i lost my temper, she cried louder and we had a very adolescent-parent-like stand off for the remainder of the evening. Butt the incident was soon forgotten over our late evening walk and dinner time.
Now comes the good part.
It's bedtime. I'm tucking her in and thats the time we forget everything else thats happened in the day and cuddle, sing soft songs and tell each other how much we love one another. In her tiny voice and with a pensive expression, she says 'mamma, you know, i was feeling quite tired this evening, which is why i cried in that store. I didn't really want those shoes. I was just tired and wanted to go home and didn't know how to tell you. Why did you scream at me?'
Silence. Did my daughter just reflect on her behaviour and have the insight to tell me what was really going on for her?
It was a moment of immense connection. I held her tiny face in my hands and said, 'I'm so sorry i didn't realise you were tired, i didn't know how to deal with your tantrum and just wanted you to stop crying. I promise to do better next time and understand you. I'm learning to do things too, along with you.'
'That's ok mamma, we'll do it differently tomorrow.'
So, mums, i know there are a bunch of lessons for me here... I'm glad she can articulate what she's feeling, I'm glad she is such a sensitive, insightful little girl. Im glad she forgave me and we could start over new this morning. I'm ashamed by how my anger affects her and i will always remember the hurt i caused her. I'm glad she felt she could talk to me and unburden before she drifted off to sleep. i'm glad to know that its never too late to do things differently with my child. I'm glad our connection is 'real' (yes there is anger, frustration and all those things mammas are perhaps not supposed to be), and there is space to be all those things too.
I'm glad for the moments we grow as mother and daughter each day.
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